


Like I Would

by fmljustlex



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Songfic, Tumblr Ask Box Fic, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 12:22:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11440785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmljustlex/pseuds/fmljustlex
Summary: Based on the song Like I Would by Zayn, requested anonymously on Tumblr.





	Like I Would

_Hey what’s up it’s been a while_  
_Talkin’ bout it’s not my style_  
_Thought I’d see what’s up_  
_While I’m lighting up_  
_It’s cold-hearted, cold-hearted_

Justin knows it’s a bad idea as he knocks on the Standalls’ door. He really shouldn’t be here, probably, but the weed he’d been inhaling a few minutes before had given him something similar to liquid courage. His mind registers exactly what he’s doing, and he thinks probably, it’s stronger than that.

He hasn’t been here in a while, and he knows the reason, even in his mind’s hazy state. He shouldn’t be here. Alex isn’t going to want him here. He shouldn’t be here.

He has nowhere else to go.

He’s considering whether or not he should leave before anyone comes; for a moment, he wonders if anyone’s even here. His decision’s made for him when the door opens, and he’s suddenly face to face with Alex.

When he actually sees the blonde, he freezes. His heart aches, and his hands twitch with the need to touch. He forces them still at his sides and drags a smile onto his face, hoping the younger boy can’t sense he’s been smoking–he knows how much more difficult the situation will be if Alex thinks he’s only here because he’s high.

So he keeps his smile small and his eyes focused on Alex’s and greets with a simple, “Hey.”

Alex shifts on his feet, keeping his expression blank as he looks down at him, but Justin can make out the curiosity in his eyes. “Uhm. Hey?”

Justin’s smile widens. “What’s up? It’s been a while,” he says softly. The words pain him, he’s saddened by the truth of them, but he knows he has no one to blame but himself.

He’d been close to Alex, once upon a time. It wasn’t that long ago, really, but it feels like a lifetime right now, when he’s here but still wants to be closer. They’d been close until those tapes had come along and fucked everything up, and Justin had pushed Alex away.

He couldn’t stand it when the younger boy had looked at him after hearing what he’d done. He couldn’t stand it, and he didn’t know how to explain, so he pushed Alex away. He didn’t talk about things, it wasn’t how he worked, but he knew Alex would ask him to and it scared him. It was safer not to talk, it was the only way to stop Jessica from being hurt, or so he thought–now even that had backfired, and he had nothing left.

That thought grows stronger in his mind as he watches Alex look at him now and sees his bright blue eyes darken. “That isn’t my fault, Foley.”

The words confirm his worries. He’d thought pushing Alex away and being rude to him were the only way to protect him. Instead, he’d hurt him, just like he always did.

_Know it’s late but I’m so wired_  
_Saw your face and got inspired_  
_Guess you let it go, now you’re good to go_  
_It’s cold-hearted, cold-hearted_

He clears his throat and blinks, pushing away the pressure building behind his eyes. He blames it on the drugs in his system; they were making it hard to keep up his usual facade, it had nothing to do with the boy stood in front of him.

“Look, Standall, I know it’s late but I-”

“But you’re high and living out of your car,” Alex cuts him off bluntly.

Justin sighs. “I was gonna say but I really wanna talk to you. I’m not here to ask if I can sleep in your garage.”

Alex looks at him. “Then why are you here?”

At that, Justin pauses. In truth, he can’t answer, because he doesn’t really know. He’d been staring at his phone, debating calling Zach one more time and praying for an answer, when his fingers moved of their own accord and suddenly he’d been staring at a picture of Alex. His eyes had taken in all the blurred features of his smiling face and the only thing he’d wanted to do was see it in better quality.

The only thing he’d wanted to do was be here, with him.

Alex’s hand is still on the door, and Justin wonders if he’s just waiting to slam it in his face. He knows really, Alex wouldn’t do that–they mightn’t have been close recently but that was because he’d been the mean one. Alex could definitely give it back to him but Justin hoped he’d never actually turn him away.

Now, though, that hope was quickly diminishing.

“Because I was high.” He decides to he honest. “And I was sitting in that fucking park. And even though yeah, I was wishing I didn’t have to spend another night in my car the thing I was wishing for more was a chance to talk to you.”

Alex scoffs. “I’m flattered after weeks you decided that was an option.” Justin’s jaw works and he blinks a few more times, and the blonde’s gaze softens. He leans against the door and sighs. “Okay. Talk.”

Justin feels his own expression turn soft and sad and he doesn’t bother to change it. Alex will only listen to him if he thinks he’s being honest and he thinks right now is the only time he’ll have enough courage to be.

“I know I was a dick, and I’m sorry. It–I think that once we got too close and I got scared. I got scared that I’d lose you, that even after that, you’d hate me after listening to the tapes. I know you would’ve let me explain but I don’t know how so I didn’t bother explaining anything else, either, and I’m sorry.”

He remembers that night with sudden clarity through the fog and his heart aches again. He’d kissed him. He’d been drunk, and he’d been happy and sad at the same time, and he shouldn’t have, but he’d kissed him.

He’d kissed Alex, and the blonde had kissed him back.

Then there’d been Hannah, and it had been bad even before the tapes that followed, and he couldn’t hurt Jessica anymore than he already had.

So he acted like it had never happened, and he pushed Alex away. He’d decided to hurt him instead.

He reaches out and takes the younger boy’s hand, tracing his palm with his fingers. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I miss you, Alex.”

But Alex’s expression only flickers for a second before it’s stoic again. He looks down at their hands for a moment. “Whatever. It’s fine. I’m over it.”

He pulls away.

_Oh, oh,_  
_It’s probably gonna sound wrong_  
_Promise it won’t last long_

Justin’s expression falls and he barely stops himself from reaching out again. His heart beats faster in his chest and he decides he’s not above begging. He needs Alex, even if it’s only for tonight, but he can’t let it end like this. He knows that flicker was there.

“Alex,” he pleads. “Just, please, give me one day. It doesn’t have to last, okay, just, let me in tonight and if you still want me to, I’ll go.”

He only realises when Alex’s jaw clenches how it sounds, how wrongly it could be taken and clearly, that’s the way Alex heard it.

“Sorry, Foley, but I don’t really feel like a one night stand.” The words are sarcastic, as most of the younger boy’s are, but his tone is too forced. Justin can hear the tightness behind it, and it gives him a little hope.

_It’s okay to want me, cause I want you_  
_Been thinking it over, but I’m through_  
_So stop wasting all my time, messing with my mind_  
_It’s cold-hearted, cold-hearted_

Justin gives a small grin and keeps his voice light. “You can have me every night if you want, Standall. Just because I said it doesn’t have to last doesn’t mean I don’t want it to.”

It’s all he wants, actually, to just be with Alex. He’s been thinking about for months, turning it over and over in his mind ever since the younger boy moved here. He doesn’t understand his feelings, or the fantasies they conjure up; both awake and in his dreams and more frequent with the help of booze or drugs, anytime he has somewhere to place the blame.

He thinks he sees Alex waver again, but then he’s looking at him empty eyes and his tone’s apologetic when he says, “Justin.”

Justin feels his hope slide away and he steps back, walls flying back up around him.

Alex doesn’t want him. He never did, and Justin doesn’t know why he thought that would change. His heart breaks again, and he suddenly decides he’s through with this.

Of course he wouldn’t want him. Justin isn’t good for him. He isn’t good for anyone.

He’s done letting this mess with his head. He pushed him away, and it still hasn’t been enough. He had to break it off completely, and let Alex move on. Even if he couldn’t.

He was done being a burden to this boy.

“Don’t bother,” he says curtly. “This was a waste of time.”

Alex doesn’t argue, and Justin’s just glad his heart isn’t together enough to break any further.

_Oh, oh,_  
_If we can never go back_  
_Thought you’d like to know that_

_He, won’t touch you like I do_  
_He, won’t love you like I would_  
_He don’t know your body_  
_He don’t do you right_  
_He won’t love you like I would_  
_Love you like I would, like I would_

It takes Justin about a week to change his mind. His feelings haven’t changed never mind disappeared and it still hurts every time he sees Alex in the halls. What really gets to him though is seeing Alex with someone else–anyone, girl or boy, freshman or senior, whether Justin knows them or not they’re not good enough for his Alex.

He knows he’s probably overreacting and that most of them aren’t even trying to be; they’re probably from one of the younger boy’s classes, or jazz band or something. But he watches them make Alex smile, watches as he talks and jokes and laughs with someone that isn’t him and it kills him.

This time when he turns up to the Standalls’ house he doesn’t bother with the door. He climbs up to Alex’s window and clambers straight through the open frame.

The blonde boy jumps when Justin’s feet hit the floor but the jock can’t even apologize for scaring him. Instead he walks towards him until Alex’s back is pressed against the wall and they’re stood toe to toe.

Justin crowds him back tight, hands against the wall on either side of his head and Alex doesn’t argue. Though he does look up at him with defiance in his eyes, but Justin can see his surprise in the shape of his mouth, the curve of his raised brows.

“I know you didn’t want to give me a chance and I know, I left, but if we can’t go back to how we used to be I at least have to tell you how I feel. You at least deserve that.”

He pauses a moment, staring at the blonde intensely while letting the words sink in. Slowly, Alex gives a small nod, and he continues.

“I messed up. I know that, okay, but I mess up a lot. My life sucks and you shouldn’t have to deal with all the shit when you could do so much better than me. You deserve, better than me, I know that.”

Alex huffs out a breath. “You’re really selling yourself here, Foley.”

Justin kicks lightly at his foot with the toe of his shoe. “Shut up and let me finish.” His hopes lift when Alex ducks his head to hide a smile, and his tone turns softer.

“You deserve better than me. A better person than me. But even if you find the nicest girl in the world, or a guy that fucking dedicates his life to charity,” he trails off, and starts to trail his hand up Alex’s arm.

“They’re not gonna know how to touch you like I do,” his hand curves over the blonde’s thin shoulder to cup his neck, his other hand moving to grip his waist.

He carries on, “They’re not gonna know your body. They’re not gonna know which parts have always been soft,” he trails a hand over his cheek, “which parts have gotten stronger,” he reaches up to squeeze his bicep, “which parts hurt you,” he lays a hand against his stomach. “They’re not gonna know which parts you hate and which parts you love and how to admire every inch of you until you love them all.”

His hands have both moved up to cup Alex’s neck, and the younger boy’s gaze has turned soft and warm, his eyes burning into Justin’s as he looks back at him.

“But even if they figured that stuff out, they could never love you like I would, Alex,” he concludes, voice so quiet now it’s almost a whisper. “So if you wanna go look for that someone better, I won’t stop you. But they’ll never love you have as much as I do. I love you so much, Alex, you have to know that.”

Alex stares at him, blue eyes shining, before leaning in and kissing him soundly on the mouth.

It’s soft and short, and Justin stands frozen for all of it, hands still on Alex’s neck while the blonde’s have come up to hold onto his waist. He looks at Alex questioningly when he pulls away, until he smiles and Justin leans in to kiss him again.

This one’s just as soft but it lasts a moment longer before they stop to breathe and Alex pulls him into a hug.

Justin moves his arms to wrap around the smaller boy’s waist, burying his face in his shoulder with his lips turned up in a smile. Alex runs a hand through his hair and he melts against him, filled with relief that he wasn’t turned away again.

“You’re not even high this time,” Alex says happily after a minute, voice tinged with pride. Justin lets out a laugh, squeezing him tighter in his arms. His voice is softer when he adds, “I’m sorry I was kind of a dick before. I don’t want anyone else, Just. I love you too.”

Justin turns his head to press a kiss to the blonde’s neck. Maybe Alex couldn’t get anyone better, he thinks. Because what Alex deserves is someone who loves him and who makes him happy–and if Justin’s the one that can do that, then he’ll be damned if he lets anyone take this away.


End file.
